Friday, March 14, 2014

Shy

It is always at night that my brain begins to write. Composing paragraphs on my pillow.

The theme was "shy".


     

     A vision of my life emerged from the blackness in my mind as a shiny blue gemstone with many light reflecting facets.
The facets represent the myriad aspects of my life, the parts such as work, hobby, relationships and so forth. There are also threads that run through them gemstone behind the facets, linking them together. There is a thread names "shy". It is a thin, sinewy thread that weaves its way through the gemstone and pools behind the facets focused on relationships. I do not refer to friendships, but rather, courtships.
     If you know me, you would not say I am shy. You would most likely say the opposite. If you courted me, you would take my unrestrained propensity for flirtation as a sign of confidence. When I have your attention, I am engaged, and there is nothing more natural than the freely offered toothy smiles, belly laughs, and brushing of the fingertips across skin.
But if I have to try and attract your attention? If I have to decipher how you feel? If I have to decide whether I should lean in, take a step forward?
I almost always choose to take a step back.
You come to me. I am unsure, and I'm suddenly shy.
More often than not this inclination causes me to lose, to miss out on a possibility. This thread named shy is a thread born from a fear of rejection.
     So lately I've taken to asking myself this question: What if I WASN'T afraid of rejection? What would look different if I acted fearlessly?
The question offers instant liberation because it sheds light on the true reason behind the hesitancy - the belief that my self worth is diminished if I am rejected. It dispels these false notions. It stares into the broad side of the fear and sees the truth. I am free, worthy, and undiminished.



The thread of shyness muddles the brilliance of the gemstone. To act of my own accord, freely and fearlessly, the thread begins to loosen and unravel. Light pierces through and illuminates the gemstone evermore splendidly.