Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Letter to a Lover

Cochamo, Chile

Remember when I came over that night? I said I couldn’t see you anymore. Remember how I asked you not to contact me? Because I needed to move on? Remember how your face dropped? I saw your eyes fill with water. Do you know it wasn’t until that moment, that I realized how you cared? 

Why hadn’t I realized before?

I let you hold me as we lay down on your bed. I let you say goodbye, but I wanted to leave. And when I did leave, I felt lighter - like it was the right thing to have done. 

And so months passed Lover, and I swam along smoothly. With powerful strokes I coursed onward in my quest, seeking your replacement. The one I left you for. To him I proclaimed, “break my heart!”… but he didn’t stand a chance. 

Then by magic you returned. Unknowingly I called for you and you came in a message that cracked me open in a way I’d never have expected. Love, elation, remorse. The expansiveness was too much to bear. Then came the unfolding…

Though many months have passed since that first night I said goodbye, my mourning just begins. I think of you moving away to be with her. You must really love her. My stomach twists and I don’t want to imagine her. Just you. You, happy. You, excited. Because I know you are. And I know this feels right. 
And it all seems too perfectly appropriate. 

I see you pace on the street outside my house. Is your heart racing like mine? What sweet relief it is to pour my thoughts out of my head and touch your flesh. I cannot help but to smile at your face. 

I stand in the presence of the love I never left myself have, and I feel it so potently now. I’m saying goodbye to you now my darling Love. 

Is there anything in the world more bittersweet than a goodbye?

Through thick wet drops, muck from years shuffles out. Though pages of my journal smear and become soggy, the girl is becoming clear.
Who knew she could find so much space inside of one small chest?

From within this expansiveness I see the road brighten and extend. You’ve gifted me new eyes Lover, and new spaces in my heart. You will never truly know how glad I am, that you were written in my story.