Saturday, April 12, 2014

Faithless

I’ve spent the past month looking for a new place to live and the entire experience has brought me an unwarranted amount of anxiety. Me, constantly on edge, wondering how it’s going to work out. Where I am going to live? Will I get this place? Will it be gone? Will I live with this person? My thoughts obsessed over possible outcomes. Worrying, worrying, wondering.

But then… As it so often happens, I had a beautiful revelation. 

I was experiencing a lack of faith. No faith in the process, in the wisdom of the universe, in anything. I was trying to control it all and feeling helpless all the while. The muscles behind my neck coiled tightly in a slow, deliberate squeeze. 
Until it came. Like a rush of sweet wind through an opened window I softened and released the clutching of my fingers.

It was then that I was able to reverse my telescope and peer at it all from a distance. The stem of my anxiety rooted from a lack of faith, but that wasn’t even true. It wasn’t that I was faithless. It was the opposite! I was being offered a gift; an opportunity to experience myself as a faithful person. And with a sigh, I melted gently into the warm, comforting arms of Trust. A swell of gratitude arose from deep within. To know myself as a faithful person - it feels like a gift indeed.