Monday, December 29, 2014

Place Poem: Inside Doubt

This week has been a fucking tornado.
Like i’ve been sipping on helium and floating through date after date, killing my brain cells all the while
He was nice. so was he. let me leave this party a few minutes early and squeeze you in on my way home
Smile and nod. 

Maybe you just haven’t met the right one—
the idea that keeps me going
———

I’m afraid i’ve been fooling myself.

I want so badly to believe that i just haven’t met him yet
I want so badly to believe he is there- seeking me
     that all i have to do is savor the waiting
I want so badly to believe that when i see him, i’ll know him. ill recognize his face— 
     and that’ll be it for me
That faith is a tangible which sustains me

I want so badly to believe that i am not kidding myself
That i am not just a coward, just selfish, just closed off, just a goddamn snob
Not just finding fault and creating excuses, legitimizing “the no”

Because it’s so much easier to say no
So much easier to stay single
So much easier to say he’s not the one

When does certainty arise?

I’m afraid i’ve been fooling myself.

I want to believe that i am not just playing make-believe 
     that i am capable of letting him love me
     that he will see the brightness in me i forget about 

I want to believe that i will know how to hold him
     that i will lavish love upon him without fear, regret, or restraint

I will lay my head upon his chest and melt into him shamelessly


————
Painting by Joseph Moncada Juaneda
**My advice would be to not linger for too long inside of doubt