In My Head

I’m often wrapped up and absorbed in my own thoughts. This is probably why I startle so easily when others casually walk into the room…

But generally speaking, my mind is a peaceful place to hang out. My thoughts are warm, optimistic, friendly. I’d be quite happy to reside in this safe place indefinitely! 

However, life sent me an invitation recently through the words of another. 

The ‘pop’ I felt in yoga class the other night wasn’t my hamstring (thank god), rather it was a pop of clarity. The yoga teacher’s words: “You say you want love and then don’t even taste it when it’s right in front of you,” made me wonder…. Is that true for me? 

Sometimes I sit and visualize the manifestation of perfect love. I scribble musings in a journal. I slip on my running shoes and as my brain fills with endorphins it weaves an intoxicating story of the greatness of the human spirit - I feel alive, I feel inspired! … but I am also still safe and isolated inside my own head. And when the opportunity for greatness appears in the flesh? When perfect love knocks on my door? I act stupefied. As though I am completely unprepared for a situation like this.

There comes a time in life, when belief is not enough. When opportunity knocks, and we must grab belief by the lapel to bring it along for the experience. 

Thoughts aren’t meant to be shields, and my head isn’t meant to be a hiding place. 

The invitation is to hide no more. To stand naked. Vulnerable and free. To bravely bare my skin so that I may welcome the invigoration(!) of experiencing life wholly. 

—————

I wrote that a long time ago. But today I find it again with a different face. 

Climbing into my sheets last night, I told my friends my heart was cracking. 

I can no longer stay here. 

The reoccurring events of the past few years of my life will continue to reoccur, if I stay.

I may be comfortable and safe, but ask me the question: What do you want most? and it’s not safety.

I want to be alive.

I want to live fully. To sing loudly, love deeply, cry with passion, and I want to know how I can be transformed by the power of saying “yes” to all parts of life - even the scary parts. The parts that don’t reveal their outcome. 

If I give you my heart, you may toss it aside. Am I willing to let that happen? If I give you my heart, you may cherish it forever. Am I willing to let that happen?

I can’t stay here in safety any longer. 

So take my heart and do what you please because standing in front of you and withholding feels much more tragic. 

Might something beautiful be revealed by standing in vulnerability?

And as I woke up this morning, the cracking of my heart felt a whole lot more like a cracking open.